Coloring with Nelson

Hello.

Today I want to talk about craps and shits. You know, it feels so good when you finally release a chunk of hard brown feces. The sensation is absolutely glorious.

I have complied a list of the different types of shit.

Hard Crap

This is usually the first crap that comes out of your rectum. It is hard, yet supple, and has a nice texture and consistancy. Unless you're constipated, this crap feels lovely when it slowely exits your bowels. Usually, the colour is a nice dark brown. And if you hadn't had enough fiber for the day, there should be some chunks of last night's tuna or cabbage floating around

Gooey Crap

This crap is special. It usually happens when you ate something bad or something that didn't agree with your stomach. It usually comes after a Hard Crap. It usually gushes out after a Hard Crap. It feels nice sometimes, but usually, it feels gross, cause it is wet. The wetness sometimes makes you cringe, and many people mistake this kind of crap for diarhea, which it is not. After you wipe your sagging ass and look inside the toilet bowl, you can expect to see a murky brown water, with pieces of food here and there. Not appetizing in the least, but yes, It does look like chocolate.

Bumpy Crap

Just the word brings tears to my eyes. Bumpy Crap is bumpy. It hurts when it goes down your colon. Sometimes, it can tear holes into your colon, and then you'll get infected, which will most likely lead to untimely death. It hurts a lot. Bumpy Crap is usally formed by a low intake of fiber, and a lot of sharp foods, like non-chewed crackers, and swallowed pieces of carrot. Try to chew your foods harder and longer, and eat some of that fiber shit, so that you don't have to experience Bumpy Crap.

As you now may know, I am an expert on shit and crap, and everything in between. I have studied poop my whole life, and I am pleased to share this information onto you.

Happy Pooping!


Song of the Day (STD)- "Goodbye My Lover"- James Blunt

Hello sirs.

There is this girl named Jennifer in my spanish class. My cool spanish teacher calls her by her korean name, "min-jay" or something of the like. This girl, speaks fluent English, and was born in the United States, I think.

Well anyway, she hates me for some reason. The last time I talked to her was in 7th grade. I never said anything bad about her. I never did anything bad to her. But she hates me.

It's really funny too, cause everyone hates her. Everyone in the whole spanish class thinks she's a kook. She was arguing over a 98.8%. She has the most rambunctious and fake sounding laugh you can ever hear. She laughs at the smallest things. And she is generally annoying.

Everyone just goes, "Shut up MinJay" but this girl just does not stop.

In our spanish class, after taking a quiz, the teacher takes all the quizzes and then passes them back to the class, so that another classmate can grade it. The grade you get is mainly based on who graded your paper. If it's your friend, or someone nice, you'll get an "A." If it's Minjay, then, you've got a "F."

Guess who graded my last 3 quizzes? Yes, the Mean-Jay. She somehow looks around and finds my paper, switches it with the one she is supposed to be grading, and then she gives me a horrible grade. The girl is horrid.

Ugh. The girl makes me mad. And I barely know her!

Sometimes, don't you wish you had a barbed wire whip coated with hydrochloric acid and slowely powdered with some old baking soda that you could use to hit someone with?

I know I have.


Song of the Day (STD)- "Kryptonite"- 3 Doors Down

Ughhh. My huge birthday party was cancelled. I was going to have a huge 16th airsoft birthday party. I had invited 45 people. I had the invitations sent out. And last weekend, some of my friends came over and helped me set up the area behind my house so that the airsoft game would be a blast.

We made bunkers and this one sweet sniper post. Everything was set. Then some guy walks out and asks what we are doing. Since this area was very secluded, and we had never seen anyone else there, it sorta spooked us. We told him about the airsoft game and everything, and he seemed to take it nicely.

A couple days later, he comes to my house and talks to my mom about how "its dangerous" and how the land is "environmentally unstable" and how it was "trespassing" and how he was having an open house on that day. I was so pissed off. Then he comes 15 minutes later and again talks.

He said, "I'm just trying to be diplomatic." Ha.

Basically he makes me cancel my airsoft birthday party. My friends and I had planned this for over 2 months, and we had all been ready to play. We were all super stoked, and ready. But this asshole had to ruin everything.

I got a bombardment of letters that had ways to get back at him. Here are a few.

"...[Friend] tells me that the fucktard is having some open house shit on that day, which is the primary reason we can't play. I suggest that since he ruined our party, he hosts us a new one at his place. We all go to his open house, and do our best to disrupt the order of things.
[Friend]and I get permission from Peter to pull a SC on this fucker's house the previous evening, Next day, he'll be so baffled, he wouldn't care what we do in his backyard.

Argue that
A) if the land was environmentally unstable, there would be a fucking sign saying so, like in any other environmentally unstable place (stop by the rivers of LA sometime), and who is he to fucking judge anyway?
B) If the land is company owned, and the company cared at this point in time what happened to it, they would put a fucking fence around it or something, and where's the proof of any company owning that land first of all, bitch?
C) It's none of his business if we endanger ourselves in any way we fucking please. We should go in front of his house and endanger ourselves by standing in oncoming traffic or jumping and doing flips off cars or some shit. That oughtta teach him.
D) Peter's has been planned for the past month and a half, and that if he was doing an open house, he should have notifed his neighbours in advance like a civilized person. We do Peter's regardless.

(If you're asian, don't read the following) If he's asain, get some tooth-floss and blindfold him. He'll have no idea about what's going on
I can bring with me and environmentalist (seriously I can) and she can tell us exactly how unstable the environment is at the place. She's a fucking expert; first place in California Envirothon (like AcaDeca, but solely for environmentalists).
Again, safety is our business, and if we get injured we promise not to sue him.

Go airsofting anyway, and deliberately shoot in the direction of his house.
The dumbass can suck [Friend's] dick, and be satisfied with the whole airsofting thing.
I might think of something more clever while I'm in the shower, and I will be sure to post it up.

Oh, and sorry for all the cursing, I'm generally a very calm individual."

Again, we had been planning this game for over 2 months. This guy was going to take the train down from LA just to come to my birthday party.

Here is a reply to that:

"word to everything [previous poster] said. he has sum good points which peter should go talk to the guy bout. and hes not the fuckin land owner or anything so why does he care if we play there. its his fault he bought the house over looking our arena and hes moving out anyway so fuck him. me and [previous poster] r going there on sunday to airsoft as planned. anyone else is more then welcome to come and join. it should be a blast. i just hope that fucker shows his face so we can snipe his ass"

And then finally:

"i agree, we can't just let everything we had planned go to hell, we need to at least put up some sort of a fight. i plan on going sunday, whoever comes, good for you, it'll be fun.see you there ladies."

The game was scheduled to be this Sunday. I think I'll move it to some other time at some other location.

I know, I have lovely friends.



Song of the Day (STD): "Say Goodbye to Hollywood"- Billy Joel

Sorry I havent been posting regularly. You know how it is at the end of the school year. You just get lazy.

Testing starts today. Basically in standardized testing, you take a test that could have been the exact same as my 7th grade test. I swear. The entire test was supposed to take an "average" person 3 hours and 30 minutes. I finished the whole thing in 50 minutes.

What, does the California Education Department think we're dumb? The questions are so simple. Even the retarded kids in my class did it in under 2 hours. One question asked, "which animal is there the least of?" and showed a pie graph.

Yeah, um Arnold, WE'RE NOT RETARDED. I swear. Hey, governador, how bout you pound some sense into these test makers?

But actually I like it when the tests are easy. Cause afterwards, my Spanish teacher let us watch "Date my Mom: Lesbian version." For those who have never seen this show...watch it. It is hilarious. You can tell it's scripted though.

Basically this girl dates 3 moms. Judging on the mom's, she picks a mom she likes best, and then gets to date the mom's daughter. Which is completely horrid and disgusting.

And they're all UGLY. All the actresses are so ugly. I swear, you can tell that their desperate for casting with those walruses. And after the girl makes her choice, her and the daughter hold hands and run down the beach. In every single episode!

Yeah, that's what you do when you get someone to date. You run down the beach holding hands! And, of course, they are as pretty as the girl across the street who looks like a mix between a thyroid gland and a undergrown puffer fish.

I'm gonna go puke.



Song of the Day (STD): "I Can't Come Down"- Embrace.

I feel as if the anxiety is slowly flowing out of me. AP EURO IS OVER...HOORAY!

I can't say what was on it or what was in it, but I can say this. It was really really hard. Multiple choice was killer. And the essays,... let's forget that shall we?

Here is a sample question from my Princton Review Book. See if you can solve it...

Why did Nicolas II make everyone shave their beard?
a.) because he wanted no one else to have facial hair
b.) because of the Act of Trabador
c.) beacuse he wanted to westernize Russia
d.) to try to raise the aristocracy
e.) the edict of nantes.

I swear it said that. By the way, the answer is c.

After the test we all jumped up and down like a crazed bunch of idiots. Someone said, "This is the best day of my life!" ...WHAT? We just had the hardest test of our lives and it's the best day of your life? What?

Ugh. I'm really tired. Went to sleep at one in the morning yesturday. Need sleep, and need a nice popsicle.

No, really.



Song of the Day (STD)- "Celebrate" -Embrace